I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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