is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
