Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
