I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
