And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
