We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
