o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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