i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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