There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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