Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
