Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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