You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
