Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
