I accidentally burped into my bong.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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