im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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