and i looked up. we had an audience...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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