4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
