sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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