shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
