Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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