i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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