I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
