I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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