Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
