i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
my liver is dry heaving
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
