mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
