look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
