i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
