I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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