I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Small penises have feelings too.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
