im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
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It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
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Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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