from now on my penis is your penis
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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