pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
