Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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