Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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