So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
