I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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