apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the condom got lost in my hair
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This is classic penis vs brain.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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