i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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