he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
