My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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