his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
