i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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