This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
