Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
