i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
