Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
