I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
