She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
