I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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