i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
