Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
