OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
