he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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