I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
