Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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