I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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