What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
