I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My vagina just clenched in fear
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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