3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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